Running Up That Hill
by SelenityCosmos
Summary: Kathryn Sets her love free.  Disclaimer: I do not own the song or the movie.


_It doesn't hurt me._

"Silly rabbit! My triumph isn't over her. It's over you."

"Come again?" you ask as I realize what I'm about to do to us. I do it all for you, you know.

"You were very much in love with her. And you're still in love with her, but it amuses me to make you ashamed of it. You gave up on the first person that ever loved you," Lies. All of it, lies. This hurts me. Everything hurts now, Sebastian. "Because I threatened your reputation."

_You wanna feel how it feels? _

Painful. Triumph my ass. What kind of triumph is there in loosing the only person I've ever loved? You broke me Sebastian- I'm finally in love with someone. You win… but is it really winning if you don't know and if you have torn me to pieces?

_You wanna know, know that it doesn't hurt me? _

You look up at me in pain. So much pain, tears making it past your shades and breaking my heart a little more as you realize the truth in my words. That's what hurts the most, you know, knowing that it _is_ the truth. You love her- the way you had always loved me. With all your heart and sole. I'm sorry for those words. They were only my jealousy and desperation in the face of loosing you. "Don't you get it?" I ask. I can taste the distain dripping, like poison from my fangs, dripping venom onto my serpent's tong.

_You wanna hear about the deal I'm making? _

I'm giving you up. After I finish with you, you will run back to her- finally out of the world we both hate and both flourish in. You'll escape, my dearest stepbrother. I will get you out. "You're just a toy, Sebastian. A little toy I like to play with." Can't you see that I'm lying? Can't you see that I am giving up my one shot at the only thing I've ever wanted just to set you free?

_You *be running up that hill* _

I think that it will be enough to send you away, but still, I drive the last nail of my happiness's coffin home, "Cheers." I say and take a swig of champagne, wishing it were arsenic, belladonna, or something in the mandrake family. But it's not and it never will be. Not so long as you are alive. You need a protector- a keeper. "Tastes good." I smirked, the cruel sarcasm as fake as the smile it hides behind.

_You and me *be running up that hill*_

Your face is covered in disbelief. I need to do something more. If I don't do something, you will claim your reward and then- then you'll _feel_ how much I am lying. "So, I assume you've come to make some arrangements but, unfortunately, I don't fuck losers." I see the hurt and then you turn and run from me. I stay seated as the door slams. I flinch. "Goodbye, Sebastian." I whisper to my empty room.

_And if I only could, _

_Make a deal with God, _

_And get him to swap our places, _

_Be running up that road, _

_Be running up that hill, _

_Be running up that building. _

_If I only could, oh... _

_You don't want to hurt me, _

I don't worry about what you will do to me, because the answer is nothing. You won't touch me. You never would. You may love her. You may hate me, but I will always be that little girl you swore to protect. That little girl you found in her room after a visit from her father. That little girl with blood on her thighs and tears in her eyes. That little girl who was calmly cleaning herself off because she knew that her mother knew and she knew that her mother did not want to deal with that little girl. You can still see that little girl even though others can't. I can't see her anymore. I killed her Sebastian. I murdered that little girl.

_But see how deep the bullet lies. _

You love to protect people, don't you. That's why you fell for Dorothy. Pure, innocent, virginal Dorothy. It occurs to me that you underestimate her. She could never have stayed physically innocent this long without being somewhat like me… which means she wont trust you, will she? Perhaps it is my turn to help that little boy. The little boy who kissed away my tears and told me that I was his princess. Am I still a princess, Sebastian?

_Unaware that I'm tearing you asunder. _

I'll need to make her believe you. Ronald will do that. He will do quite nicely. What could I tell him that would hurt you the worst? I know, but I don't know if I can tell him that you hit me. I know that you can, but you would never hit me out of anger- or even hurt. Ronald will believe what no one who knows you would. She will believe you hit me, she won't care, but she will believe me. Like Ronald will.

_There is thunder in our hearts, baby._

Blain is the only one who would understand what I'm doing. He saw us at, that blond twit, Marissa's birthday party last year. You were so far gone that you told me the truth after Blain and I had gotten you to one of the upstairs rooms. You looked up at me with those beautiful blue eyes and boyish smile you have when you are truly happy and whispered, "I love you, Kat. Do you like me now? I changed for you." And then you passed out. Blain held me while I cried. Sober and clean for once and I had never hated myself more.

_So much hate for the ones we love? _

One thing I have learned from all of this is that we hate no one more than the ones we have loved the deepest. Would you hate me this much if you didn't love me? Would I hate you this much for loving her? For choosing her? That night I told you I loved you and sobbed my self to sleep. I was glad that you remembered none of it. I know you wondered why, after that, when Blain and I became such good friends.

_Tell me, we both matter, don't we? _

At least, in the end, I know that this matters. What I do matters. Because you matter. You matter to me. I pour myself another flute of champagne and down it in one sip. It tastes warm, salty, and bitter. I love the taste. It reminds me of you. I wonder if you will think of me ten years from now and wonder what happened to me. It doesn't really matter, does it? But you matter. You matter and I matter.

_You, *be running up that hill* _

_You and me, *be running up that hill*_

_You and me won't be unhappy. _

_And if I only could, _

_Make a deal with God, _

_And get him to swap our places, _

_Be running up that road, _

_Be running up that hill, _

_Be running up that building, _

_If I only could, oh... _

_'C'mon, baby, c'mon, c'mon, darling, _

Now I will just sit and wait. Wait for Blain to call and tell me that my plan worked. He will miss you, you know, not just because you used to be his dealer, but because he is the best friend that you have ever had. I can't count the number of times he has knocked on my bedroom door with you in his arms, needing my help to get you to bed because he knew you would be slightly uncomfortable with him undressing him. Did you really think that I carried you home? Or one of your conquests? Or, as crazy as it would be, you? That you made it all the way home on your own?

_Let me steal this moment from you now. _

At this moment she is probably forgiving you and then you will kiss. You greatest moment, dear brother, and I am stealing it. _That_ is my greatest triumph. As I think about your promise to protect me I cannot help but smile because I know that you will think of me. For the rest of your life you will remember me. I will remember you, too. We are two of a kind Sebastian. Maybe one day I will get out, too. But for now, this is enough. You are enough.

_C'mon, angel, c'mon, c'mon, darling, _

For one last time, that is all I will allow myself, I imagine you as you were the first time I met you. Golden curls, bright sapphire eyes, lopsided smile, and a beautiful innocence. An innocence that you lost to have me. Your warm embraced as our parents had their first fight, your anger when my mother made me visit my father, your rage at the boy who tried to force himself on me freshman year. I will carry that with me. I will carry you with me.

_Let's exchange the experience, oh...' _

The phone is ringing, Sebastian. I don't want to answer it. I want to stay here and mourn our death. But I can't, can I? No. I have to go be the ice cold bitch and run the school. The caller I.D. says that it's Ronald. Why would he call me? Didn't you disillusion him? Why didn't you tell him what an evil whore I am? I take one last sip of champagne, wishing it tasted of almonds the way you did, and speak, "Hello?"

_And if I only could, _

_Make a deal with God, _

_And get him to swap our places, _

_Be running up that road, _

_Be running up that hill, _

_With no problems. x2_

_'If I only could, be running up that hill.' x7_


End file.
